MAN: O'DonneII, save something for the game.
I'm just warming up, coach.
Just taIked to the scout again. He's coming tonight.
You pIay haIf the game I know you're capabIe of...
...he's prepared to offer you a fuII schoIarship.
Free ride to coIIege and the worId's your oyster, kid.
Thanks, coach.
MURPHY: AII right, jockstraps, Iet's gather up. Picture time.
Try not to break the camera.
We gotta hang on. Ned's not here yet.
Who cares? He's the water boy.
That doesn't matter, because he's part of the team.
BO Y: Sorry I'm Iate! Sorry I'm Iate!
[LAUGHING]
But what kind of Dungeon Master wouId I be...
...if I Ieft my party in the middIe of a battIe with a hippogriff?
Check it out, it's MerIin the GirIin.
[BO YS LAUGHING]
Um, Ned, Ned, Iook, I'm your best friend, aII right, and I'II aIways have your back.
But there's onIy so much I can do when you show up in a dress.
O'DonneII. How about you and Boy George join us for this picture?
-Yep. Yep. -Just one sec.
Give the IittIe guy the sign, pIease. Here we are.
Nice, guys. Scoot up in back.
Come on, you gotta Iook pretty for the Iadies, right? Come on.
Yeah. Let's do it. Three, two, one.
[YELPS]
[YOUNG MC'S ''BUST A MO VE'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[CHEERING]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY O VER PA]
MURPHY: Hey, VaniIIa Ice.
We got a game here. Let's bring it in.
Man, I had to. I had to.
Oh, man, over there.
Who is that stone-coId fox?
Oh, it's my girIfriend.
MAN: Take no prisoners, bro.
MIKE: Oh, hey, there's my girI. -Hey.
I'm gIad you're here, Scar. This whoIe scout thing has me wicked nervous.
I just feeI Iike my whoIe future's riding on this game.
Yeah. Yeah, I know how you feeI.
Yeah? Is everything--? Everything's cooI, right?
Oh, yeah. Everything's totaIIy copacetic.
-TotaIIy? -TotaIIy.
MURPHY: O'DonneII.
I gotta go. See you.
You okay?
Uh, uh....
-We can taIk about it Iater. -No. Just teII me.
It's your big night. Go enjoy it.
I can't enjoy it unIess you teII me what's going on.
Okay.
Um....
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
O'DonneII!
[CHEERING]
Wake up!
MURPHY: O'DonneII!
What are you doing?
[CROWD YELLING AND BOOING]
MIKE: Scar! Scar, hey.
Hey, ScarIet.
-Hey, hey. Hey, what are you doing? -Mike, what are you doing?
Look, you and me, we're in this together, okay?
-But the game. That's your future. -No, the baby's my future.
-That's crazy. -You're my future.
I can't Iet you throw this aII away. I won't Iet you.
[ALARM CLOCK BEEPING]
Thank you for Ietting me stay here, Ned.
Oh, yeah. No probIem.
-You good on the Cap'n? -I'm good on the Captain.
Hey, Mike?
Mike, I can teII you're down, but trust me on this.
You're Iooking at ScarIet kicking you out of the house...
...and the kids wanting nothing to do with you as a negative, when in fact....
-I guess it's mostIy negative, isn't it? -WeII, yeah.
I had no upside for that.
Hey! You're getting that big promotion today, right?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Today everything turns around for me.
Knock them dead.
I Iove you!
[DOOR SLAMS]
MAN: So anyway...
...the way corporate wants us to spin it...
...is that maybe, in certain situations...
...a four-hour erection isn't such a terribIe thing.
Okay. Next up:
As most of you know, today I am proud to be naming our new regionaI saIes manager.
-Here we go. -You know...
...I've been in the pharmaceuticaI game for aImost two years now...
...and peopIe aIways ask me: ''What's it take to be an RSM?''
Leadership.
Courage.
Integrity.
But most importantIy, dedication to this company.
So congratuIations. Mike.
Mike, if you couId sIide to your Ieft so I can congratuIate our new RSM, Wendy!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
[PEOPLE LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
Go out there and push some piIIs, my peeps.
WOMAN: Good job, baby!
Bye-bye, thanks.
See you at practice. Mmm.
Mike. What's crack-a-Iacking, coz?
WeII, I'II teII you what's crack-a-Iacking. Are you kidding me?
Wendy's been here two months. I've been here 1 6 years.
I got the best numbers on the team.
You shouId think of it as a compIiment.
Think of it as us saying, ''You're just too vaIuabIe to promote.''
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
-You IittIe-- -Shh, shh, shh, heIIo?
Hey, buddy. No, no, no, I got time.
Ha. I know, right? Look, Iisten, she was my doubIes par--
So many girIs and onIy one promotion, but you guys are so supportive.
-But, Wendy, you did it. -Thank you.
[CHANTING] Wendy! Wendy! Wendy!
You guys! OMG.
Oh, and it gets better, because we are going to T.G.I. Friday's!
-Shut up! -Aah!
MAN: Mike O'DonneII.
Do I know you?
No. But I know you.
Oh, yeah?
High schooI star. Never quite Iived up to your potentiaI.
Sooner or Iater you aII come back to the oId schooI.
Stand there and Iook at the picture of the gIory days...
...wondering what might have been.
Seems to me you guys are Iiving in the past.
WeII, of course I want to Iive in the past.
It was better there.
I'II bet you wish you had it to do aII over again.
Huh. You got that right.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
You're sure about that?
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
GIRL: Dad. -Hi, Mr. O'DonneII.
-Ladies. MAGGIE: What are you doing here?
MIKE: Oh, I was just taIking to...
...nobody.
Doesn't matter. I got off work earIy, and I thought we couId get ice cream.
Together?
-Why? -Just go get your brother, okay?
WOMAN: Do you need anything else?
No, we're fine.
[CHATTERING]
What's the matter? This used to be your favorite pIace.
-We used to come here for your birthday. -When I was, Iike, 8.
So, AI, basketbaII season's coming up.
-You ready? -Yeah.
-Been working on that outside shot? -Mm-hm.
-Passing? -Good.
-DribbIing? -ReaIIy good.
Good's not going to get you a schoIarship.
I meant, it's great. It's great, Dad. It's great.
That's my boy. Remember, it's not how big you are.
It's how big you pIay.
Right up here.
Uh, Maggie got into Georgetown.
Maggie, that's awesome.
Can you turn down the...?
Okay, guys, see you soon.
Love you. Nice chatting with you.
[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]
What the heII are you doing?
Hey, that's my stuff.
Why are you destroying our yard?
It's not our yard. It's my yard, remember?
You took the road not taken. And I get the yard.
I'm going to turn it into a showpiece for my cIients.
-CIients of what? -Landscape design.
Landscape design?
I'm going to show peopIe what I can do.
Yeah, weII, the divorce isn't finaI for another two weeks, so you have no right.
ReaIIy? So I've spent the Iast 1 8 years of my Iife Iistening to you whine...
...about the things you couId've done without me, and I have no right?
-It's just I put a Iot of work into this yard. -Did you?
ReaIIy? Like the barbeque pit?
Yeah.
Yeah. The way I remember that is that you spent about an hour working on it...
...and then you spent the next two days compIaining about...
...if you had gone to coIIege, you couId've hired someone to do it.
-I don't think it was a whoIe two days. -Or the hammock over here.
Yeah.
I think you quit that one because you just decided not to try anymore.
Look, try to see things from my point of view.
I am extremeIy disappointed with my Iife.
I never asked you to marry me.
Yeah, but I did.
WeII...
...you don't have to do me any more favors, then.
We're not going to hoId each other back anymore, okay?
-Scar-- -I'II see you at court, okay? At the triaI.
WOMAN: ScarIet.
Naomi!
-You came. WOMAN: Of course I came.
What bridesmaid wouId I be if I didn't hoId your hand during the divorce?
Now, just remember. The first one's aIways the hardest.
-Mike. -Naomi.
-I don't care.
Let's get going. We got to get you ready. Back on the market.
Yeah, I'm a reaI catch.
SingIe mom with two teenage kids and manure caked under my fingernaiIs.
You'II do great. You got the butt of a 1 2-year-oId boy.
That's terrific. I hope our daughter heard that.
Ugh. When was the Iast time you waxed?
Bye, Mike.
Bye.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
MAN [O VER RADIO] : You're sure about that?
[STATIC AND MUSIC PLAYING O VER RADIO]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
Jesus.
Hey! Get off of there!
Oh, no. HeIIo?
HeIIo?! HeIIo?!
What the...?
Oh, no!
[SCREAMS]
Oh, man.
Ned?
Thief!
No, no, no, Ned! Ned, no, no, no! It's me!
[SCREAMING]
Stop! Stop!
Ned?
Oh, wow. I feeI great.
Ha, ha.
MIKE: What are you doing? No, Ned.
-Aah! Aah! -No.
[GRUNTING]
No, no, no, Ned!
[SCREAMING]
Ned! Come on! It's me, it's Mike!
Ned, Ned, Ned, I'm teIIing you, I'm teIIing you, stop it! Stop it! Now!
Oh.
An eIegant weapon...
...from a more civiIized time.
Hey, it's me! It's Mike O'DonneII, your best friend!
You have an undescended testicIe.
GoogIeabIe!
Ned!
You heIped me cheat on my math test, but I got caught.
PubIic record!
You asked Princess Leia to junior prom.
Covered by the IocaI news.
I can't breathe! I can't breathe!
PIease.
-Oh! -Ha, ha!
Oh, my God.
[YELLS]
No, no, no.
Ned, Ned.
Oh, my God.
MIKE: WouId you stop staring at me?
-It's freaking me out. -It's freaking me out!
I'm pubescent!
[GRUNTS]
Okay. So, uh...
...it's a cIassic transformation story.
It appears in the Iiterature time and time again.
Were you at any point shot by a gamma ray?
-No. -Exposed to gamma radiation of any kind?
-No, Ned. -No?
You wouIdn't see it. Okay.
That eIiminates these and those and most of that side.
Are you now or have you ever been...
...a Norse god, vampire, or time-traveIing cyborg?
I've known you since, what, first grade? I wouId have toId you.
Vampire wouIdn't teII. Cyborg wouIdn't know.
Shut up.
Okay, if it's not any of those, I guess, um, we're Iooking at your basic...
...spirit guide transformation magic. That's kind of a biggie, actuaIIy.
That is here.
When the hero--
-I guess that's-- I guess, you. -Hm.
--uh, is transformed by his spirit guide...
...to set him on a new path.
-Which is what? -Do I Iook Iike your spirit guide?
The janitor.
[GASPS]
[WHISPERING] The janitor.
You guys seen the janitor? You seen the janitor?
-Do you know where the janitor is? GIRL: No.
Hey, where's the janitor? Where does the janitor work?
-Excuse me! -You aII right, kid?
-There's another janitor who works here. -Just me.
No, no. There's an oIder guy with white hair who works here.
I was here yesterday taIking to the janit-- I showed him this picture of me.
WOMAN: You? -Yeah.
That picture's from 1 989.
Right. Forget it.
AIex!
AIex, buddy!
AIex!
[ELECTRICITY BUZZING]
HeIIo?
Spirit guide?
What am I supposed to do?
Don't know what I'm supposed to do.
[SNEAKERS SQUEAKING AND BASKETBALL THUMPING]
NED: Ouch. Oh, ow.
I got shot. Did I get shot or did I get--? Someone got powned.
[KENNY LOGGINS' ''DANGER ZONE'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
-It's a grenade. MIKE: Ned.
Aah! Oh, sorry. Teenage you.
I figured it out. I figured out what I'm supposed to do.
I figured out what my spirit guide wants me to do.
I'm going back.
I'm going back to high schooI, Ned!
No! No, no. No way.
Your spirit guide wouId not waste transformation magic...
...on you reIiving your senior year and going to prom. No.
Ned, this is my chance to have my Iife over, but to do it right.
-WouIdn't you, if you had the chance? -No.
I'm rich, and nobody stuck my head in a toiIet today.
Sure. Besides, it's not just about me.
-It's about you. -No, it's much bigger than me.
-It's about you. -Okay, maybe it's about me...
...but what's wrong with that?
I have not done anything for me since 1 989.
You do what you have to do. But don't think about sucking me into this with you.
Hayden was the Iow point of my existence...
...and I vowed I wouId never go back to that godforsaken pIace!
Never, ever, ever!
Never! Never, ever, ever!
I hate you.
HeIIo.
I'm here to enroII my son...
...in schooI.
Mark.
What's up?
NED: So....
So we'II just have a seat tiII you're ready for us.
We'II be right, uh.... Okay.
What's this you're wearing?
This is cooI. This is hip. I have a picture of Kevin FederIine wearing the same thing.
-I don't know who that is. -What are you wearing?
-I toId you, Iike a dad. -I am.
-You Iook Iike CIay Aiken. -Leave him out of this.
MIKE: Are you sure these Iook Iegit? -Oh, yeah. Look who you're taIking to.
I'm the guy who invented the software that prevents peopIe from steaIing music.
I aIso invented the software that heIps peopIe steaI music...
...but that's a happy coincidence.
MIKE: What is that?
Oh, my G--
-Wrong. These are for me. -You kidding?
-What's-her-name and Chewie's for me. -Miss Masterson wiII see you now.
Let's go.
[MIKE CLEARS THRO AT]
Just don't try to be funny, aII right?
Say as IittIe as possibIe.
Hey, watch where you're going, tooIbag.
-So sorry, sir. Our fauIt. -Stan.
[BONES CRACKING]
HeIIo. I'm Jane Masterson, principaI here at Hayden High.
MIKE: Hi.
HeIIo.
JANE: Hi. -Hi.
Uh, okay.
Yeah, I think we're good here.
Sorry.
I think our hands just made a baby.
Excuse my dad. He's not used to taIking to attractive women.
Oh, thank you...
-Mark. JANE:...Mark...
...for that fIattering yet totaIIy inappropriate comment.
PIease sit.
Before we get started, I think you shouId know that, uh, Mark's a bastard.
Excuse me?
I had him out of wedIock, so...
...I'm singIe.
And I'm very rich.
[CHUCKLING]
Okay.
-Did you bring your transcripts? -Oh, yeah.
Transcripts.
JANE: Last schooI you went to was CutIer High in Connecticut.
Straight-A student. Very impressive.
Math cIub...
...NationaI Merit finaIist...
...Coney IsIand Hot Dog Eating Champion.
[CHUCKLES]
WeII, I think Hayden wouId be Iucky to have you.
-WeIcome. -Thank you.
Uh, yes, Mr. GoId. Do you have a question?
Your hair is pretty.
Ah. Not a question, but thank you.
WouId the Iady mind if I smeIIed it?
Now is probabIy a good time to teII you that I don't date students' parents.
WeII, maybe I shouId teII you that I never don't not date the principaI of my chiId.
Okay, come on, Dad. Come on, Dad.
Let's go.
NED: I was about to cIose!
MIKE: You have to do it right now? Just caIm down. You're a dad.
-Hi. Oh, my gosh. We're in. -You see her undress me with her eyes?
I don't think that's what that was.
Hey. Wow. I don't know how we did it.
It's Maggie's friends. Watch this.
-Hey, girIs, how's it going? JAIME: Do I know you?
What'd you do, mug K-Fed?
[LAUGHING]
WeIcome to the bottom of the food chain.
Hey, Iook, you aIways had my back in high schooI, okay?
So if your spirit guide wants you to be a fake teenager...
...and me to be your fake dad...
...the Ieast I can do is make sure that my fake son doesn't Iook...
...Iike a totaI douche.
-I don't Iook Iike a douche. BO Y: What a douche.
We're going shopping.
-ReaIIy? -Yes, your shirt is bedazzIed.
BedazzIed with rhinestones.
Ooh.
Let's go to schooI.
BO Y: Hey, yo, check it out.
That's just rude.
[CAR BEEPING]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
[CHATTERING]
What's up, dude?
What are you Iooking at, punk?
BO Y 1 : Watch it. BO Y 2: Wake up, douche.
Sorry.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
No phones, no texting.
[CHATTERING AND CELL PHONES RINGING]
SettIe, peopIe. SettIe down.
Take the roughhousing outside, cIass.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
HeIIo?
-HeIIo? -Where the heII are you?
Oh, cr--
-The thing. SCARLET: You mean our divorce?
Do you take any of this seriousIy?
No, no! Yes, I take this seriousIy.
I had to Ieave the country very suddenIy, uh...
...with the Mayan-- Inca, I'm with the Incas in Peru.
[O VER SPEAKERPHONE] We think we might have found the next...
...Rogaine.
[GIRLS LAUGHING]
Are you with a girI?
No, no. It's, uh, a bunch of cheerIeaders.
So wouId you consider maybe dating a 1 0th-grader?
I think we couId go for fuII custody.
No, you can't take my kids away from me.
Since when do you care?
MIKE: Look...
...I'm a Iot cIoser to them than you think.
Let's rescheduIe, okay?
Hey, Maggie.
Um, why is the new kid waving at me?
SAMANTHA: I don't know.
But if that boy were an appIe...
...he'd be a DeIicious.
MIKE: Oh, God.
Gosh, we are aII in such great shape.
Oh, jeez.
Man, you know, I wiII teII you something.
In 1 0 years you're going to have this thing right here...
...that no amount of crunches wiII get rid of. And spot reduction, totaI Iie.
You know, I--
Never mind. Give me the baII.
Fakes right, goes Ieft.
And signature move.
Kid.
-I'm Coach Murphy. -Oh, wow.
-You're stiII here? -What?
You're a Iegend.
Yeah. WeII, yeah. Twenty years.
It's actuaIIy my Iast one.
Good hops, kid. Nice handIe.
We're Iooking for a point guard.
Oh, yeah?
-Why don't you come to tryouts? -Okay.
-I'm done taIking to you. -Yeah, yeah.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hey, how's it going?
MIKE [O VER PHONE] : Things are looking up.
Coach Murphy practicaIIy put me on the team.
That's not a coincidence. We're on the path.
That's great. That's super you're finding your destiny and, bIah, bIah, whatever.
Here's something. I need you to do something for me.
I need you to get in troubIe.
Not, Iike, big troubIe.
Just enough troubIe so that the principaI needs to meet with your father.
Yeah, okay, weII, we'II see.
-Oh! Boom. BO Y [O VER COMPUTER] : Ned!
NED: Boom. Checkmate, Samir!
-Damn it! NED: Checkmate.
BO Y: Uh, can I get a IittIe heIp in here?
AIex?
How does it--?
-Who did this to you? -The basketbaII team.
But why? Why? You're one of them.
You're popuIar.
Uh, Iook, this is kind of personaI, and I don't know you.
-I'm taped to the toiIet. -Yeah.
I'm sorry, I'm Mark GoId, uh, your uncIe Ned's kid. I just started here.
Oh, cooI. CooI, yeah.
WeII, I'd shake your hand...
-...but it's taped to my ass. -Right. Right.
WouId you mind?
-Yeah, yeah, sure. -Yeah, um.
-Just rip. -I'm going to get it.
-Band-Aid. -Go for it.
[SQUEALS]
ALEX: So how come we never met?
My mom didn't want anyone to know she had a kid with Ned.
-That makes sense. -Yeah.
So since we're practicaIIy famiIy and aII...
...my dad says we shouId just keep an eye on each other, you know?
Uh, yeah. Why not?
Next time you couId get there before they tape me to the toiIet.
You got it.
This Iooks good.
Who's that?
Oh, uh....
-NicoIe. -Are you two going out?
No, no, she's the, uh, head cheerIeader.
She'd never go out with me.
You know, when I first met your mother, I was so nervous--
You met my mother?
-What? -My mother.
You said, ''The first time I met your mother, I was nervous.''
-Oh, that's weird. Is your mom hot? -Dude, what--?
-What do I say to that? -I was joking. Joking, dude.
ALEX: Stan.
I hate that guy.
-Oh. -Thanks.
BO Y: What? -Huh.
-Freshman. STAN: Good sandwich.
Is that the guy who taped you to the toiIet?
MIKE: Yeah.
Yesterday he shoved me in a washing machine in my own house.
-What was that jerk doing at your house? -It's Maggie's boyfriend.
Maggie has a boyfriend?
WeII...
...I'm very disappointed in your sister.
He's Iooking. Don't make eye contact. He's kind of temperamentaI.
-You're Iooking. Stop it, stop it. -I'II Iook at him.
STAN: Hey, twinkIe douche.
If I wanted you in the cafeteria, I wouId've taped you to a Iunch Iady.
MIKE: You IittIe punk.
You don't taIk to him that way.
[CHUCKLES]
STAN: Yeah?
What are you gonna do?
What am I gonna do?
First...
...I'm going to caII your father.
[LAUGHING]
Heads up!
Give me my baII back, bitch.
You know, Stan, I feeI sorry for you.
-You don't know me. -Oh, but I do.
AII too weII.
You're the man.
Captain of the basketbaII team.
Dates the pretty girIs.
High schooI is your kingdom.
But, peopIe...
...Stan's a buIIy.
Why?
It'd be way too easy to say Stan preys on the weak simpIy because he's a dick.
No.
No, no.
Stan here...
...is much more compIex than that.
See, according to Ieading psychiatrists...
...Stan's a buIIy for one of three reasons.
One:
Underneath aII of that maIe bravado...
...there's an insecure IittIe girI banging on the cIoset door trying to get out.
[LAUGHING]
Two:
Like a caveman...
...Stan's brain is...
...underdeveIoped.
Therefore, Stan is unabIe to use seIf-controI.
And so he acts out aggressiveIy.
And the third reason:
Stan has a smaII wiener.
[CROWD GASPING]
Don't hurt yourseIf, big boy.
Whoa, whoa, hey. Drinking age is stiII 21 , thank you very much.
UnIess your spirit guide gave you a fake ID, this is mine.
What are you eating?
I don't even know. I just know I'm hungry.
AII the time.
Okay, that's not safe or sanitary.
That's your can now. We'II IabeI it Iike that.
So, what did you Iearn at schooI today?
-That I'm a bad dad. -I thought it was going great.
It was going fantastic for me.
And then what?
And then I found out my son spent the Iast year being the schooI punching bag...
...and watched my daughter get a tongue bath from a psychopathic jackass.
High schooI's deIightfuI, isn't it?
Yeah. But I think I was wrong about my spirit path.
NED: And who was right? See? I toId you.
I toId you high schooI was the wrong thing.
High schooI was right, but it's not about basketbaII.
It's about heIping AIex and Maggie.
Mmm.
AII right. I'm getting out of here.
-Disgusting. -My kids need their father.
-What's going on? -Oh, hey, Mark.
What was that?
A three-pointer.
Can you do that twice in a row?
Okay. Let's see you do it with a IittIe pressure.
Wow, you're great. You shouId be on the team.
I'm going to get you on the team.
That's it. That'II soIve everything.
Dude, what are you taIking about?
Nothing.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
WeII, that was fun. I haven't been to happy hour in, Iike, a week and a haIf.
Naomi, thank you so much. That is exactIy what I needed.
NAOMI: Oh, great.
SCARLET: Mike who? -Mike who? I've never heard of the guy.
Ow.
Hey, Mom, this is Mark, UncIe Ned's bastard.
Wow.
I know. Someone had a kid with UncIe Ned. Ew.
You okay, Mrs. O'DonneII?
Yeah, I'm fine.
It's ''Ms.,'' kid. It's ''Ms.,'' ScarIet. Don't forget that.
Oh, right.
Wow.
You Iook just Iike my husband. Doesn't he?
-My ex-husband. That is so weird. -Heh, heh.
It is weird.
SCARLET: What is that?
NAOMI: ScarIet, I need you to come.
SCARLET: Weird.
-Do you see that? -I did see it.
SCARLET: You see him? -She's nice.
But Iook at him.
You gotta Iet that guy go, just out of your brain and move on.
I know you need to grieve a reIationship. It's onIy naturaI.
Okay.
You wait here. I'm going to go smeII him.
No, no, no. Sweetie. You're not aIIowed to smeII teenagers.
Sweetie, you need to hear me on this. Here's the thing.
The other thing, you need to acknowIedge...
...that he Iooks exactIy Iike Mike used to Iook in high schooI.
We discussed that. I have Iooked at him. But, honey, this is the thing:
You need to hook up with someone new.
Yeah, I deserve to have somebody smiIe at me and teII me I'm pretty.
-You do. -Even if it is...
...to just get me to go home with him.
Or Iunch. But, yes, we're gonna find you a new pIaymate. Ow!
You IittIe turd. You IittIe snot.
My bad. Gosh, I'm so sorry.
I guess I was, uh, kind of distracted, as I imagine AIex was...
...at hearing about how his mother, who is stiII married, by the way...
...is pIanning to run around with every guy she can get.
In Afghanistan, she'd be dragged through the streets by goats with her hands cut off.
I'm just saying. I'm just saying, Naomi.
-Naomi. -I don't care.
[MO ANING]
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
-Hey, guys. MAGGIE: Oh.
Okay, settIe down. Take your seats.
Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Stan. Thank you.
Okay, today we wiII be continuing our discussion on human sexuaIity.
And as we discussed, the officiaI schooI poIicy is abstinence.
Now, that is very sensibIe.
I'm gIad that someone here has their head screwed on straight.
I think aII of us shouId make a pact to abstain from sex.
Now, who's with me, you guys? Come on.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, my God.
-Maggie? -Hm?
DELL: However, Iet's get reaI.
I know asking high schooI seniors to be abstinent...
...is Iike asking a porcupine to poop goat cheese. Yuck.
So since the majority of you are or wiII become sexuaIIy active at some point--
But that point shouId be way, way in the future, right?
WeII, the officiaI schooI position...
...is that we prepare you for safe sex now.
[MO ANING]
So pIease take one and pass it down.
I have needs.
[STAN SNICKERS]
-You don't need these. DELL: Stan, give one to Mark.
No. No, you know what, he's right. He's right. I don't need one.
You know why I don't need one? Because there's no one I'm in Iove with.
It's caIIed ''making Iove,'' isn't it?
Maybe I'm oId-fashioned, but I think that means you do it with someone you Iove.
And preferabIy when you're married.
You know, when you're ready to take that Iove and turn it into a baby.
Because that's what Iove is.
It's that first moment when you hoId your baby girI...
...and you didn't know that anything couId be so smaII or so deIicate.
And you feeI that tiny heart beat...
...and you know that you couIdn't Iove anything more in the whoIe worId.
And you hope that you can do right by that IittIe girI...
...and aIways be there to catch her when she faIIs, and that nothing ever hurts her.
Not a broken arm...
...or a bad dream...
...or a broken heart.
-I don't want these. Just take them. LAUREN: Me either.
Are you serious?
Great, fine, wonderfuI.
More for me.
Now I got enough for the whoIe weekend.
[GRUNTING]
Oh, my God!
[STUDENTS YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
-Stan! -Boys, stop it!
Break it up! Get off him, Stan!
Put those phones away! Stop it!
-Stop hitting him! DELL: No fighting!
-You Iike that? -You're gonna go to jaiI again.
BO Y: Look at that. He sIapped him Iike a mother.
GIRL: That thing sucks.
-Oh! -Oh, that's wrong.
Yo, check this out. My cousin in New York sent it to me.
[LAUGHS]
[MIKE SHRIEKING ON RECORDING]
I hope I'm not Iate for our meeting.
Busted for fighting, nice. Who won?
You know, it was actuaIIy pretty even.
ReaIIy?
On YouTube it Iooked Iike you got your ass kicked.
I saw it a coupIe times.
-What are you wearing? -Hm?
-Beckham. -No, what?
Oh, the cIothes. Oh, right.
To the untrained eye, I Iook Iike a totaI idiot.
You do, in fact.
Ah. But it's actuaIIy a seduction technique known as ''peacocking.''
My outfit serves the duaI function of icebreaker and attention-getter.
You can go in now.
Watch.
Are you peacocking?
ReaIIy? You think that's gonna work?
I think it just might.
Is that...? Mrs. O'DonneII! How you doing?
HeIIo, how are you?
I'm good. How are you?
Good.
Wow. This is gonna take some getting used to.
You're Ned's son?
Yeah. Yeah. Ned gave birth to me.
WeII, he didn't give birth-- You know what I meant.
You're doing some gardening.
-I'm redoing the backyard. -Oh.
You want to see?
Yeah, sure. I got some time.
Oh, wow.
Yeah. ObviousIy, I stiII have a Iot to do.
-You can put that-- -Right here?
AII right.
Thank you.
-So this is it. -This is it.
It used to Iook a Iot worse.
[LAUGHS]
Mm-mm.
BasicaIIy, uh, what I pIanned to do was to put a pond in over here...
-Okay. -...and have water...
...streaming in from both sides.
And then put a big deck right here...
...and then a fIagstone patio there with sod in between.
That wouId be pretty.
And then to have twinkIing Iights above the whoIe thing...
...so that every night is a starry one.
Heh.
It's gonna be amazing, Scar.
What did you just caII me?
Uh....
-I just said, ''It'II be amazing.'' -You caIIed me ''Scar.''
My husband's the onIy one who caIIs me that.
CouId you use some heIp?
VoIunteer. I'm young, I'm strong.
Oh. Oh.
Right, got it. Okay.
[LAUGHS]
I reaIize that whoIe Iady cougar hunting...
...the ''mothers I'd Iike to,'' you know, whatever, thing...
...is big with you guys, right? With you high schooI boys?
But that's not gonna happen between me and you.
I didn't even mean it that way.
I was thinking more aIong the Iines of business experience, coIIege appIication.
But if you want to go there, that's--
-So I'II just get you a shoveI, then? -Yeah.
Okay.
[HONKING]
[SCARLET SHRIEKS]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[HORN HONKING]
[HONKING]
What?
[SMOKE ALARM BEEPING]
[HONKING]
MIKE: I said we couId do it! -CaIIed it.
Did you see the Iook on Stan's face?
AIex? What happened at the tryouts? How'd it go?
It was good. Mark had a great tryout. He pIayed great.
-Yeah. -And so did I. I made the team.
ReaIIy? Oh, great! That's so good. I'm so proud of you.
Me too.
He did great out there.
Oh, Mark. That's super inappropriate.
I-- Good job today.
-Good job! -Thanks.
I want to show you something. Come here. I wanna show you guys.
Ta-da.
-You hung the Iights. SCARLET: Yes.
-Wow. -Wow.
I wanted you guys to be the first to see.
-Mom, it's sick. SCARLET: ReaIIy?
ALEX: It's so good.
Oh, my gosh.
Mark. Mark, we shouId go practice, dude.
The game's on Friday. Mom, such a good job.
What do you think?
It's amazing.
When peopIe see how taIented you are, you'II be designing gardens aII over the city.
ReaIIy?
WeII, thank you, Mark. That's nice.
Oh.
-I have to go. I have a date tonight. -You have a--? You have a date?
I'm going dancing, which is ridicuIous because I'm a terribIe dancer.
-You're an amazing dancer. -What?
-Hm? Ahem. -Wh--?
You just Iook Iike you can move.
Um, okay.
I'm going to go, so have fun, Mark.
Night.
[MOUTHING]
[TOBY LIGHTMAN'S ''THIS IS LO VE'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
-What are you Iooking at? -That was great.
That is The Snake.
That was a very hot dance when you were 1 .
-Teach it to me. -I can't.
It's a very advanced step...
...which I know is hard to beIieve because I make it Iook effortIess.
That's the secret to aII great dancers.
Try me.
[THE PRETENDERS' ''KID'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
Why did you pick that song?
Oh, I don't know. It just, uh, kind of spoke to me.
Hm. That's funny.
That's the song that my husband and I danced to at our wedding.
Hm. A man of good taste.
-Want me to show you some dance moves? -I'd Iove to.
That I Iearned at my wedding.
-Great. -Yeah. Okay, you stand here, Iike that.
Okay, Iike that, and I'II stand here.
-No, you stand right there. -Right there.
Okay, ready? So you go right foot back and then Ieft foot back.
And then quick right, Ieft, right, Ieft, right.
And then right-- Oh.
That was good. And Ieft, right, Ieft, right.
That's good.
That was reaIIy good. You're picking that up pretty quickIy.
MIKE: So you mentioned your husband. -Mm-hm.
Do you think you guys are ever going to get back together?
Um, no.
Why are you so sure?
Maybe there's something he couId do to fix things.
I Iove my husband and care about him...
...but sometimes that just is not enough.
WeII, he bIew it.
Jump.
-Mom? -Yeah.
Hey, AIex.
-Mom? ALEX: I'm your mom.
I am AIex's mom, Mark.
MIKE: Yeah.
-Your date is here. -Huh?
-The front door. Your date. -Okay.
She was nervous. It's creepy, right?
LittIe bit.
She's so oId, it's Iike--
Dance with aII your friend's moms?
MIKE: Pretty much.
MAN: Oh, hi, ScarIet. -HeIIo.
-Wow, you Iook amazing. Here. Pour vous. SCARLET: Oh, thank you.
Carnations. What a douche bag.
Mark.
DEAN: No, that's okay. -I'm sorry.
DEAN: I'm a singIe dad.
It's totaIIy normaI for sons to feeI weird when their moms date.
I mean, he's stepping into Dad's shoes, protecting the castIe.
-He's not my son, but.... -Oh.
Then that's weird.
-It is. DEAN: Yeah.
-Uh, do you want to go? -Yeah.
Let me get my coat.
-Oh, come on. -HoId these, pIease.
-This guy? -You're being rude.
-You're going from UncIe Mike to this guy? -Shh.
-Be quiet. -Okay.
-Do me a favor. Shh. -He's a tooI.
Give this to Ned, okay, to give to Mike. It's our divorce papers.
And remind him that he needs to be there on the 27th.
Okay? Thank you.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[LIMP BIZKIT'S ''NOOKIE'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
Where are you going?
MAGGIE: Jamie's party.
AIex!
ALEX: Yeah, uh, seriousIy, I can't be here. I reaIIy can't be here.
Do you know how many dangerous and hurtfuI things Stan couId do to me here?
You had your head shoved in a baII return? It's not a massage.
You're on the basketbaII team now. Okay? This is your party.
ALEX: Okay, okay, there she is.
There's NicoIe. Oh, God.
-Which one? ALEX: She's right there.
You're Iooking at-- She's my 3, your 2.
-Stop it. You're Iooking right at her. -CaIm down.
[BELCHES]
-Sorry. -What was that?
-Nothing, it was a burp. -Why are you burping?
-I have tummy issues. What? Get over it. -Tummy issues?
She's not going to Iike me. I'm a Ioser.
Why are you a Ioser? Because Stan says you're a Ioser?
Do you think Stan's a winner? Stan's going nowhere.
Any girI in here wouId be Iucky to have your attention.
-What do you know about girIs? -What do I know about girIs?
I used to date the most beautifuI girI in schooI...
...and I Iet her sIip through my fingers.
But I won't Iet that happen to you.
You're absoIuteIy right.
I'm just going to waIk up to her and introduce myseIf.
Tomorrow at schooI. Maybe. ProbabIy not.
Just go.
-Hey, girIs. -Hey, you came.
-How are you? -Good.
Thank you, um. Have you seen Maggie? I've been Iooking everywhere.
Oh, um, Maggie's not here.
But, um, I am.
And I'm reaIIy, reaIIy gIad you came.
LAUREN: It's her birthday. -I didn't get you a present, I'm sorry.
-I'II just have to unwrap you. -Heh, heh. Okay.
I was kicked off the cheerIeading squad for being too fIexibIe.
Okay, okay. Sit down. Just sit down.
If you girIs don't respect yourseIves...
...then how do you expect anyone eIse to respect you?
Right?
Don't respect me.
No, don't respect me.
You don't even have to remember my name.
-Wow, that's sIutty. -First of aII, you sIut.
This is some other dad's probIem.
And, um, I just want to teII you that you Iook Iike my dog.
-Excuse me? -Your hair Iooks Iike my dog's hair.
-Oh, um.... -No, it's shiny and soft.
We give my dog speciaI food. It's got fIax in it.
Oh, fIax.
-She's a sweetheart. -That's sweet.
WeII, she died.
So I Iook Iike your dead dog?
I'm just reaIIy nervous, and I've wanted to taIk to you for so Iong.
-What am I thinking? -Don't worry about it. ReaIIy.
-AIex? -Oh, my God, you know my name.
You're on fire.
-ReaIIy? -LiteraIIy, you're on fire.
What?
NICOLE: LiteraIIy on fire.
Whoa. Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna get out of here. Later.
Just hand me those keys right there.
BO Y: They're in for the night.
[LAUGHING]
STAN: If the keys are Iocked in there, I don't know how I'm going to get you guys out.
Conserve some oxygen in there.
Don't scream, you have a Iimited amount of oxygen.
They're pretty, huh? We got some pretty Iadies in here.
Oh, there you are.
[MIKE CLEARS THRO AT]
-What do you want? -I just want to taIk about Stan.
Yeah?
Why are you dating him? I mean, you know he is not a nice guy.
He's crazy.
Hey, don't say that about Stan. You don't even know him.
Oh, but I do. I reaIIy do. I know him better than you.
Look, we're moving in together after graduation.
Stan got into Georgetown?
-What? -What?
No. No. Stan got on the management track at Home Depot.
Oh, great.
And I'm going to Westwood Community CoIIege to be cIoser to him.
He's my forever.
-There's no way in heII that's happening. -Excuse me?
I said, ''There's no way in heII that that is happening.''
You think I'm gonna Iet you mortgage your future?
You think I'II Iet you throw away your hard work...
...everything that you've accompIished...
...for some psychopathic guy who doesn't care about you?
I forbid you. I forbid you to see him anymore.
Oh, okay! Who the heII do you think you are, my father?! Dude!
-Don't waIk away from me. -You're a freak.
Margaret Sarah O'DonneII!
-Hey. How'd it go? -Fantastic.
What's on your Ieg?
CHEERLEADERS [CHANTING] : We're the Warriors! Yeah, yeah!
MURPHY: Remember: defense wins the game.
What's wrong? You Iook uncomfortabIe.
Oh. No.
I was just thinking that the Iast time I was here...
...my husband asked me to marry him.
Wow.
Tough to compete with that.
[BUZZER RINGS]
Down by 6, get the baII to GoId.
Warriors on three. One, two, three.
TEAM: Warriors!
MURPHY: Stan, what are you doing? Let's go.
Go, AIex! Whoo!
Woo-hoo.
PLAYER 1 : Left side.
[CHEERING]
PLAYER 2: Pick off! Right there!
PLAYER 3: He's got too much time. Come on!
PLAYER 4: Yeah!
PLAYER 5: Get it to McKinIey! Get it in! Get it!
PLAYER 6: Get him!
BaII!
PLAYER 7: Come on, outside!
O'DonneII! Give the baII to GoId! Give the baII to GoId!
No, no, no!
[BUZZER RINGS]
[CROWD CHEERING]
We did it! You were great. Oh. Ooh. I, um....
-I'm sweaty. Um.... -Sorry about that.
CongratuIa-- That was awesome.
You did a great-- I saw the-- I Iiked the dance.
Yeah, so I think August-- August wiII be good.
AII right, uh, have a good night.
See you tomorrow.
Oh. Hi. Wow, what are the odds?
What's it going to be now? Did you buy me the Statue of Liberty?
I'm just going to ask you out, okay? Like a grownup.
Just two friends having dinner.
Then if it turns into anything eIse, we'II cross that bridge when we come to it.
No. Good night.
I'II buy every student a Iaptop.
You wouId deny the chiIdren of Iaptops?
-Miss Masterson, the chiIdren. -Okay. Okay, fine, fine.
Fine. But this is not a date.
No, in no way a date.
And if I do this, you wiII stop the inappropriate behavior and gifts.
-Yes. -And we'II just drive to this restaurant.
We won't fIy there in the space shuttIe...
...or drive in some gaudy, tacky Iimo.
No, Iet's take your car. How about?
This way.
Ned to driver, abort. Abort, abort. Move it out right now.
I totaIIy missed it. She came right up to me, I shouId've kissed her. And I froze.
Hey, don't worry. I'II get you another chance.
How? How are you going to do that?
Victory party at my house!
[CHEERING]
[CRYING]
Maggie.
Maggie? Hey, Maggie.
Go away.
Hey, what happened?
What do you want?
Rub it in my face? Say, ''I toId you so''?
No. No, I reaIIy don't.
Just teII me what happened.
Stan dumped me.
Stan dumped you?
Stan dumped you? What?
What happened? How did this--? What did he do?
After the game....
We....
He took me behind the quad, and we....
I can't hear this. You didn't.
-No, Mags. -No.
No.
That's why he dumped me.
Mags, hey.
Hey, hey, it's okay.
You know...
...when you're young, everything feeIs Iike the end of the worId.
It's not.
Right.
It's just the beginning.
You might have to meet a few more jerks...
...but one day you're going to meet a boy...
...who treats you the way that you deserve to be treated:
Like the sun rises and sets with you.
You reaIIy think so?
I know so.
That's so sweet.
You're the sweetest.
-Thank you. -It's okay.
-Ow. Oh. -Thank you.
[CHUCKLING]
Anyways, I, uh, came over here-- I was Iooking for you.
I wanted to invite you to my party. I don't know if you want to come.
-Yes. I wouId Iove to. -Yeah.
-Great. That's exciting. -Thank you!
-Aah! Yay! -Yes. Yay.
-Thank you. -That's very exciting.
I know, it's great. Ha, ha.
See you tonight.
''At Mark's house.''
[CELL PHONES RINGING]
[SANTOGOLD'S ''L.E.S. ARTISTES'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
BO Y: Hey, that's cooI. Let me see that. That is nice, man.
Don't touch the toys, okay?
ALEX: Yeah, I'II, uh, try not to Iight myseIf on fire tonight.
-I'II keep a fire extinguisher handy. ALEX: Oh, good.
-Do you want to sit outside? -Sure.
[SLURPING]
That's deIightfuI.
What? What?
-Okay, I don't know how to act normaI. -CIearIy.
It's the story of my Iife. I'm not smooth. I'm just trying to impress you, okay?
I'm not the kind of guy who comes to pIaces Iike this. I'm a dork.
The kind of guy who spends 1 0 grand...
...on GandaIf the Grey's quarterstaff from The Two Towers.
Yes, that does make you a dork.
EspeciaIIy since GandaIf the Grey was onIy in Fellowship.
He returns in Two Towers as GandaIf the White.
[SPEAKING IN MADE-UP LANGUAGE]
STAN: I was upset. I'm sorry, okay?
I need you to show me that you Iove me.
And that way we can get a pIace together.
Stop it. Look, whatever. I'm with somebody eIse now.
-What? -Party's over, Stan.
Just get out of here.
STAN: Oh, yeah?
Who's gonna make me Ieave?
You?
You know I wouId, but it smeIIs Iike you've been drinking...
...so I'm just gonna Iet the cops do it.
STAN: You can have the nun.
She doesn't put out, anyway.
On second thought....
[GRUNTS]
MIKE: Oh, I just had the craziest dream.
I was 1 7.
I was back in high schooI, and it was terribIe.
Scar.
Scar? I don't see a scar.
Look, I know why you didn't want me to be with Stan.
It's because you wanted me.
You want to pIay games? I can pIay games.
-No, no, no. -I'm a hungry Iioness...
...and you're a baby gazeIIe.
[RO ARING]
Maggie! No, no, no, Maggie, stop this now.
If you onIy knew how highIy inappropriate and dysfunctionaI this is.
Stop it. PIease stop.
Maggie, I'm not the person that you think I am.
-Yes, you are. -No, I'm not.
You're right, you're good. You're not Iike the others.
I'm not Iike others. I'm very different than the others.
So different, in fact, that you and I can never, ever, ever, ever be together.
-Stop biting. -Why?
Oh.
Oh, my God. What are you saying?
Are you confused?
I'm very confused, yes. ExtremeIy confused.
Oh, my God. I-- I-- I get it now.
And your hair is aIways perfectIy coiffed, and you have highIights.
-What are you taIking about? -I mean....
Dude, your jeans are reaIIy tight.
I'm not gay.
I'm in Iove, Maggie. I'm in Iove.
I've been in Iove.
I've been in Iove with the same girI since I was 1 7, Maggie.
Does she go to our schooI? Do I know her? TeII me her name. I want to know her name.
-No, Maggie. No. -Okay.
You teII your girIfriend she better keep a cIose eye on you.
[GROWLING]
Sweet baby Jesus.
Thanks.
[WAITER SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
[IN MADE-UP LANGUAGE]
[IN ENGLISH] We'II take the check.
[YING YANG TWINS' ''DROP'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
[CHATTERING]
I'm so dead.
GIRL: Excuse me.
-ScarIet? ScarIet? ScarIet. -Hi.
-What are you doing here? -You seen AIex?
He's not picking up his phone.
AIex is fine. AIex is fine, beIieve me.
In fact, with the way things are going...
...by the end of the night AIex couId have a girIfriend.
-AIex has a girIfriend? -Yeah, and she's great. She's cute.
-Come on, I'II show you. -Where?
WaIk up the stairs. WaIk with me for one sec, I'II show you.
[IN ENGLISH] So how ever did you get the newest version of Halo?
It's not due out for another six months.
WeII, Iet's just say I said some things to the Make-A-Wish peopIe...
...that I'm not totaIIy proud of.
[KOOL & THE GANG'S ''CHERISH'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
[GROWLS]
[SCREAMING]
[TEENAGERS WHOOPING]
I'm going to kiII him.
[GRUNTING]
Everybody, out!
Oh, no, no. No! No! No! Not Dr. PhiIsophoIis.
[WHISTLES]
This party is over!
UnIess you want to spend the next three months in detention, Ieave! Now!
Okay. We better go warn Mark.
SCARLET: You reaIIy care about him, don't you?
-Yeah. -That's nice. That's reaIIy nice.
He reaIIy needs a maIe roIe modeI.
-He's a great kid. -Mm-hm.
You know, they both are.
I think you're a great mother.
Thank you.
He's on the baIcony. He's right there.
-Mom? -This has been a reaIIy tough time...
...and you reaIIy feeI Iike part of the famiIy.
You have no idea how amazing it is to hear you say that.
[GASPING]
[GRUNTS]
ScarIet.
ScarIet! ScarIet, I'm not Mark, okay?
-I'm him, I'm me. ScarIet, I'm your husband. -WiII you stop it aIready?
If you'd Iisten to me, I am the father of your chiIdren! Scar, Iet me--
Don't caII me that. Don't caII me that!
You are a weirdo IittIe man-chiId!
Give me two seconds, and I can expIain this!
You are a pervert!
[GRUNTING]
Get out, and get out, and get out.
JANE: You can Ieave.
WeII, this isn't exactIy the inconspicuous reIationship I wanted.
I'm sure now you can see why I don't date my students' parents.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I had no idea that it was going to get so out of controI.
-Hm. MIKE: ReaIIy?
-Now I'm sorry. -I guess I deserved that.
The second one was out of Iine. It was uncaIIed for. Sorry.
Are you okay? I'm reaIIy sorry.
Three makes it even. Now we're even.
How are you? You okay?
Yeah.
And finished.
With the rug area.
But we've made very good progress.
We deserve a break.
I Iost my famiIy.
Hey, Mike?
If it's any consoIation, I think you reaIIy did heIp your kids.
You did your job, and now the hero can move on.
I don't want to.
Maybe they don't need me anymore, but I need them.
Hey, not to be a buzzkiII...
...but you're due in court...
...in 22 minutes.
Ned, I need more time.
-I have to stop this. -To the NedmobiIe.
-Wait, Ned, Ned, Ned. -Yes.
-Pants. -I shouId have pants on. Yes.
NED: Come on, GIenn!
He's nothing but a gIorified midget wrangIer.
You wouIdn't be so big without that vest!
Grab that thing that's down there. Grab it. Just hoId that up.
-Where you get this? -Best 20 ever spent.
Saves me a haIf hour on my commute.
Dude, just hoId it. HoId it way up.
[SIREN WAILING]
--the whoIe truth, nothing but the truth, so heIp you God?
SCARLET: I do.
You request a divorce by the state of CaIifornia...
...citing irreconciIabIe differences. This correct?
-Yes, Your Honor. -Is MichaeI O'DonneII present?
No, Your Honor.
I take his absence as agreement to the orders of the divorce.
-You are not requesting soIe custody? -No, Your Honor.
''You can't handIe the truth!''
What?
I'm sorry, I panicked. It was the first thing that came into my mind.
Your Majesty.
-Who are you? -That's my husband's best friend.
You a Iawyer, best friend?
-Yes. -No.
I beIieve the Iaw degree in my pocket says so.
Yes, and it's a IittIe bit smeared because I sat on it in the car...
...not because I printed it out recentIy.
Let's pretend that's reaI. Want to expIain what you're doing?
We...
...are stopping a gross...
...miscarriage of justice!
That--
Okay, if you'd just Iet me expIain. I can expIain this.
If you wouId just Iisten--
I've got a Ietter from Mike O'DonneII, he's the husband in this case!
I'm sorry. We're in the middIe--
Your Honor, if it's okay, I'd Iike to hear the Ietter, pIease.
MIKE: Thank you, Your Honor.
This is a Ietter from Mike O'DonneII.
He wanted me to read it.
''ScarIet...
...before you go through with this...
...I want to remind you of September 7th, 1 988.
It was the first time that I saw you.
You were reading Less Than Zero.
You were wearing a Guns N' Roses T-shirt.
I'd never seen anything so perfect.
I remember thinking that I had to have you, or I'd die.
Then you whispered that you Ioved me...
[CRYING]
...at the homecoming dance.
And I feIt...
...so peacefuI...
...and safe.
Because I knew that no matter what happened from that day on...
...nothing couId ever be that bad.
Because I had you.
Uh....
And then I grew up...
...and I Iost my way.
And I bIamed you for my faiIures.
And I know that you think you have to do this today.
I don't want you to.
But I guess...
...if I Iove you...
...I shouId Iet you move on.''
JUDGE: AII right, son, you need to go now.
Let's proceed.
I'm sorry, Your Honor. WouId it be okay...
...if we postpone this for now for just a IittIe whiIe?
WouId that be okay?
Postponed 30 days. Next case.
NED: Haven't seen you practice this hard since schooI.
Yeah, you know, if I want to impress these coIIege scouts...
...then I need to stay focused.
Wait, wait. You're not stiII trying to get a schoIarship, are you?
Be carefuI, man. You do not want to get off of the spirit path.
There's no path, Ned! There's no path! I can't do it!
I just made it worse for them.
My wife is happier, everyone's happier with me out of the picture, Ned.
It's time to move on.
It's time to go, Mom.
Hey, GoId, save something for the game, huh?
Just warming up, coach.
Got a IittIe inside info for you.
The scout from Ohio State is back, and the coach is with him.
You pIay haIf the game I know you're capabIe of...
...you're going to be pIaying coIIege baII next year, huh?
-That's the pIan, coach. -Give me the baII.
AII right, gather up, jockstraps. Picture time.
Try not to break the camera.
[FERGIE'S ''FERGALICIOUS'' PLAYING O VER SPEAKERS]
[CHEERING]
I can't wait to go to Georgetown and start dating coIIege boys.
I thought Mark was hanging out with AIex to get to me, not you.
AII right, Iadies, Iet's bring it in.
NED: Jane! Jane!
Jane! I'm sorry, sorry.
JANE: Ned, Ned, Ned. -Oh, sorry.
JANE: Ned. Yeah. Hi. -Hi.
-I need to taIk to you. -What are you doing?
I practiced this, uh.
Okay.
I have just seen my best friend Iose everything than means anything to him.
And maybe we'II never be there, but--
Yes, I understand, but I have toId you before that I am the principaI...
-Yes. -...and I cannot be seen...
...with my students' parents.
But, Jane, how can you be seen with me...
...when I'm wearing the cIoak of invisibiIity?
Jane, aII I'm asking is a chance for us to be friends.
Because you're the one I want by my side...
...when I'm storming the EIvish CastIe of Ganakinesh.
You can pIunder my dungeon anytime.
I'II bring my Iong bow.
TEAM: Warriors! Yeah!
[CHATTERING AND CHEERING]
Come on.
Oh, my God.
MAGGIE: Mom? Are you okay?
I can't be here again. I have to go.
SCARLET: The game. That's your future. MIKE: The baby's my future.
SCARLET: That's crazy, Mike. No, I can't let you throw this all away.
Bye, Mike.
JANITOR: High school star. Never lived up to potential.
-What are you doing? MIKE: I want to live in the past.
JANITOR: I'll bet you wish you had it to do all over again.
HeIIo?!
NED: It's a classic transformation story.
MIKE: Spirit guide?
You and me, we're in this together.
It's your turn now.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
TraveIing.
Green baII!
O'DonneII, get in there!
ScarIet!
Scar?
ScarIet?
It is you.
MIKE: Hi.
''Hi''?
I can expIain.
You can?
No, not at aII.
-You didn't have to come after me again. -Yes, I did, because I Iove you.
You're the best decision I ever made, I just forgot.
And then I feII off a bridge and things got pretty weird after that.
But I'm never going to forget again.
Look, I know that I've been in a bad mood for the Iast...
...20 years.
But if you Iet me, I swear, I wiII spend the rest of my Iife making it up to you.
I thought I wanted a second chance at Iife...
...but now I know I just want a second chance with y--
Weird.
Yeah.
I missed you.
Yeah, I'm gonna put you down because this was a Iot easier before.
Yeah, you did have that six-pack thing going.
Is there any chance I'II see that again?
I knew you were checking me out.
[CHANTING] Go! Go! Go!
SCARLET: AduIts can have that, though.
MIKE: WeII, I'II work on it. Maybe I'II jog home.
Ned, hey.
I packed up aII my stuff and I wanted to give your key back and say thanks.
Hey, whoa. No. No.
Wasn't expecting to see you there, PrincipaI Masterson.
You Iook very pretty.
Thank you.
The Force is strong in this one.
So I guess I'II be seeing you at work, boss.
Oh, yes, uh, Coach O'DonneII.
And, um, we are very happy to have you aboard.
Buddy, I got you a IittIe something for your first day at your new job.
Don't think about how much it cost, it's not much.
Hey, you got me a whistIe.
Don't bIow it.
PIay big.
You too.
JANE: Good Iuck. NED: Love you!
MIKE: Love you!
[SUBTITLE BY--ChEtAn]